My brain was having a tantrum. How could I be stuck here again? Why is life so complicated? Do they really like me? Why won't this scale move? Will I ever be enough?
I spent time today with my coach and I wanted to know why does it seem like I'm stuck in a cycle every once in a while of indecision, doubt and shame?
I really love to have an emotional beat down every once in a while. I think we all do it, the questioning of am I enough, does what I do even matter? I usually am pretty good at catching negative self talk and shutting it down pretty quickly, but once in a while I am tricked into believing that there must be something wrong with me.
I told my coach, "I just don't like myself when I get this way." She asked me why I was choosing to shame myself when I make mistakes? And the light bulb once again gets a little brighter as I discover the truth that I have a brain that is wired to work in a primitive way to protect me. Unconsciously, its job is to detect danger and show me the closest rock to climb under. And it offers all sorts of negative words to support its goal along the way.
So every time I fail to get a task done, don't see the results I want to see on the scale, move into emotional childhood and throw a tantrum of epic proportions, my brain offers me a nice rock and some recrimination to lay down in.
A simple way to break the cycle is not so easily brought to the surface when I am diving deep into poor self image. To break free I must be reminded first of all the truth about myself and my existence. I'm created for more than the scale or the blog post deadline (which is now several weeks behind schedule) When I get out of alignment of my calling I end up spinning my wheels in indecision and faulty thinking.
I must start first by reminding myself of where I am already valuable, helping others, loving my family, taking care of doggie ears (those poor babies have ear infections right now.) That some times I need to be remind myself that I was the one who created the to do list, think my current weight matters in the master plan of my self worth and identity and get back in touch with what I want to be doing. That what I choose to do today matters. It sure does matter to my dogs who think its a game of hide and seek when I bring the medication out.
What matters most is what I am called to do. And there is help from above if I'm called to the work. I will always have that part of my brain that tells me things are falling apart around me and that I am incapable of completing even the simplest of tasks. I am so thankful that coaching and the Bible have taught me that this is the most normal and manageable part of it, to be reminded, to be renewed.