Mourning Pages.....today I'm thinking about all those mornings that I get up feeling tired and run down. I didn't sleep well last night and I was perplexed by this. Was it too hot in the bed room? Why am I tossing and turning so much? When will I just fall asleep?
I have a sleep app on my Apple Watch, I don't dare look at the time during the middle of the night or my mind focuses in on what the potential problem must be for my lack of sleep. I didn't even have anything to complain about during all of those hours of tossing and turning. I didn't have a relationship issue that needed to be mended. I ate nutritiously yesterday so I'm not dealing with sugar highs or carb lows. I had a great workout yesterday. I wrote my little heart out. I spent some time in a Womens online meeting and we learned about Chaos-I have so little of it, unless I'm not sleeping. Hmm, maybe that is why I couldn't go to sleep.
I had a night like this a few nights ago when I was visualizing cutting that darn spatchcock turkey over and over again but I've sense moved on from worrying about how its going to all get done.
So what's the problem? Nothing really. Just my mind trying to find an issue to ruminate over.
I wrote to my past self yesterday. I posted a before and after photo of myself. Maybe somewhere in my unconscious mind I felt vulnerable about people seeing that before photo. But here's the thing, I'm really proud of myself too. I'm proud of the young Christian mother and wife who sat in a field on a trip with my in-laws to share the beauty of Colorado. I'm proud of who I am. Before photos and all. I've really worked hard at accepting myself just as I am, in this skin suit that I wear, with all of its lumps and bumps. I see my body as a beautiful road map of three pregnancies, losing and gaining weight over and over again as I learned how to truly love myself and my body. I see the pain of depression and the gift of salvation. I see the days of joy and the days of feeling blue.
What if, sometimes, I just have a night of interrupted sleep? It's really not a problem at all except for the thoughts about how darn tired I'm going to be the next day.
When I suffered some painful depression I had insomnia. Like insomnia for YEARS. One night while I was crying out to God to just help me fall asleep I felt the nudging of the Holy Spirit as He whispered to me, Shel....Just get up. Get up and spend time with me. I have things I want to tell you. Things that are going to change your life.
I got up and went downstairs to the dining table and opened up my bible. I didn't know what I was looking for so I just did that thing other people talk about doing and flipped it open and started to read. I landed in Isaiah and as I began to read the passage I was in awe. I went from thinking that if I could just have X kind of life I wouldn't be depressed any longer, that I'd have a clean house, energy to run after those crazy boys (my son Ian is always telling his wife Elexus how crazy he and his brothers were for us when they were growing up so I give him credit for the term of endearment he uses to describe his childhood antics). I went from thinking I just want a little sleep to....God wants to spend time with me and He has so much wonderful things to reveal about the life I'm really searching for. A life lived His way. I've written about it before but it's good to recount it here.
Isaiah 55. Start wherever you'd like. I know I paused right on verse 8. "My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the Lord. "An my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine."
Why did I stop there? Because that is what I really needed. To understand that He has a plan for this life that is way better than anything I could imagine. So I started getting up, every night I still struggled with insomnia, but I used it as an opportunity to start changing my thinking about the depressed life I was living and started having conversations with God about His thoughts and His ways.
I didn't happen overnight, but eventually the depression has lifted over the years. Now when I have a blue day, I just sit with it. I discover what is going on in my heart and mind and I allow it to be there. It is an emotion that is a wonderful reminder for me to keep my focus on God. He's always up to something good in my life.
I'll leave this blog entry with this passage from scripture as I feel it is one of the most important ones I'm using right now as I learn to change my thinking. Ephesians 5:13
"But everything exposed by the light becomes visible and everything illuminated becomes light."
I still have nights of tossing and turning and they are great reminders that God is calling me out of bed to sit with him and just listen.
This is Ian and Elexus. Aren't they so cute? I love their wisdom and their openness. I'll share more about my kids and family in blog posts to come.
DammGirl Got This!