When your Fun is stuck.....a story of food and fun.

For those of you who haven't met the DammFam, this is a photo of my three sons and me this past February at Disneyland. First off, I must tell you, I am uncomfortable posing in this photo. I take myself way too seriously and have a hard time allowing myself to be goofy in public. I like to be a closet funny person, usually only sharing my goofy side with my granddaughter and other people under the age of 12. The risk of criticism is really low with this crowd.

My sons, who are 36, 32, and 29, are often shocked when I decide to bring the funny version of me out for display. I'm usually the encouraging, Jesus-loving mom who always has a scripture to share and a prayer to offer. I tend to be very serious around other people, even those closest to me. But I have a dark secret—I love dark humor. I like poking fun at the strange way our brains work and have decided that we all get to be more courageous by showing our funny side to the world.

I love thinking. It's super fun for me to examine why we think and do what we do. As humans, we spend a lot of time puzzled by our actions, and I find great joy in examining funny people and learning from them. But this blog post is titled "When Your Fun is Stuck… A Story of Food and Fun." So, I guess I'll get to it.

I tried to get on Facebook today to go live with this topic, but as soon as I started recording on video, I froze up. I've been thinking about where this comes from—the fear of being criticized and rejected runs really deep within me. No matter how much thought work I do, my brain continues to recycle old stories from junior high when I was always picked last for dodgeball. I was a horrible athlete, and being picked last was a source of deep embarrassment. I'd hear the sighs and see the cringes from other awkward teens who didn't want me on their team. And for this very reason I have a fear of rejection from groups of people, who truly have no intention of harming me. I just freeze up but I'm working on this story and the other stories that get in the way of making progress in my life and in my coaching business.

I'm curious about my own belief system and how I recreate the pain of being seen as awkward in public every time I decide to say something in the world. I'm sure many of us struggle with the systems we've created in early childhood to protect ourselves from being ridiculed and separated from the group. And life becomes unsafe and not fun. What I'm working on right now is finding a way to feel safe and to explore how to invite myself into having more fun.

I think we tie ourselves to our stories, and then they become our truth. Let me explain it this way by sharing an issue I had when feeling exposed. I would come home from an event, and my old safety system of not putting myself out there in the world for fear of being criticized would kick in. I'd go home and eat. It was my coping mechanism—feel bad in public, feel fear and unsafe, come home and eat as a way to find comfort and justify the sacrifice of putting myself out in the world; it's really scrary out there. And this eating was an attempt to just have some fun after a very fearful experience which was all made up in my head.

Why is a fun-sized pack of fruit snacks "fun"? Why do we tend to eat several fun-sized treats in one sitting as fast as possible? This summer, I've been working with an Enneagram coach. The Enneagram is a test that helps you understand your personality type, but it's so much more than that. I've uncovered some old childhood coping mechanisms that show up in my adult life. I've always felt like I didn't fit in, so it's really normal for me to feel awkward in public or in crowds of people I don't know. It’s also normal for me to white-knuckle my way through uncomfortable situations, ignoring my feelings, and then come home and try to eat away those feelings.

But I am learning that God made me to fit in. He designed me to be unique in the world and to notice the uniqueness in others. I’m safe and secure because of what God says about me, and I can learn to feel my feelings and come out the other side secure and connected. Those foods that represent fun or calm me down aren't needed as often anymore because I've learned to expand my story.

You see, love and comfort were connected to food rather than to people when I was a child. As an adult, I can notice the story of comfort and expand it to include the people who helped me feel safe and secure growing up. My grandfather, who held my hand as we walked to the ice cream shop, made me feel loved and lovable. My Nanny June, who took me to the café in town to buy day-old donuts, helped me understand that it wasn’t the ice cream or the donuts that made life fun—it was the time spent with those who loved me in the best way they knew how.

Today, I look at the story I’m telling myself. When I turn to food for fun, I can pause and notice what I’m feeling underneath. Did I just get back from a women’s event where old insecurities were riding a wave of fear inside of me? I can take notice of how I took great care of myself during the event, how I spoke with several kind women, and how I was able to connect with them. I was safe the entire time. I was loved and cared for through kind words and generous smiles. I connected with God and myself in understanding that I have some old coping mechanisms at work most days, and that I can give myself a place for fun and safety tied to the people around me, not the food from my childhood memories.

I belong because God made me good, whole, safe, and secure. I don’t have to be so awkward in public, yet I get to be myself—different from others in a way that’s worth celebrating.

Also, I wanted to share this with you too. I don't vilify foods or food groups. There is a place of fun inside the foods and drinks that we enjoy at the party; the difference is in where I put my focus. I don't need to use fun foods to cope with feelings that aren't so fun. By discovering that there can be fun both in the things around us and in the connection we have with ourselves and others we can learn to enjoy the party, the refreshments and the company too. I'm discovering how to find balance by taking the time to understand myself, my feelings and my old coping mechanisms and offering a new way of managing my life. One where I can take goofy pictures at Disney Land with my sons, make fun of myself and delight in the fun that I'm having with the people around me.

Girl, God's got you!

Coach Shel