I recently (in the last 4 months) have lost 40 pounds. I'm excited to say that this is the first time in my life that I lost this weight without extreme dieting, without mental mess, without a constant battle to strive, and grasp, and claw, and restrict and slay it in the gym.
I don't even look back with a beat down that I had gained that 40 pounds over the course of, recently (December 2020 to May 2021), 6 months. I was super successful on 2020. You know that Pandemic thing hit and I was all cheerleader, confident, seize the day, inspire a nation of women who were struggling and I thought to myself, wow-I handle Pandemic's really well. And then I wasn't handling my life in such previous fashion any longer. I hit a wall. A wall of words.
I went from receiving my Coaching Certification that September 2020, to building a business with 8 full time clients, making a difference in other women's lives. To a crumbled mess on the floor. A woman who went from "I did it!" too "I don't believe in myself. I was coaching myself daily and was so stuck in unbelief. I started another Coaching Certification Program in January 2021 with the hope of discovering my own unique voice. I discovered layers and layers of unbelief. And a lot of negative self talk emerged. Honesty I almost walked away from the class.
During this time my father in law, Papa John, was declining in health from years of medical issues and failing kidney's. I was working 2 jobs, going to class, studying, coaching and found myself with a lot of "I can't" moments. I would cry to my husband at night and say "why can't I just believe in myself?" I really believed that something was really wrong with me. I started binge eating like a woman possessed and I kept it all hidden. The work I had done over the last 5 years felt like it had never existed. I was being coached weekly by my peers and they all kept saying, why not just borrow some belief from the rest of us? My husband kept telling me how proud he was of me, that I was making a difference in other women's lives and to work on just believing more in myself. But the words in my head felt so loud and I stayed in this cycle of unbelief until right after my father in law passed away in May 2021.
Let me back up for a moment to let you know that I did not quit my class,(I finished my final project and got my next certification) I started to reach out and tell my coach that I was struggling. I kept working on my mindset and making little shifts. I started to confided in my peers and was coached so often on this subject that you'd think I was handed the answer on a silver platter but I just wasn't ready to eat off of it yet.
What happened was I had to PAUSE and just sit. I created a time line of all the events that had piled up over the course of a year and I started to notice how much I was handling or not handling them. I took some time to process. I reached out and told my fellow coaches about gaining 40 pounds during our coaching training. They offered me this.....How was gaining 40 pounds a gift? Now most people would probably not consider any unwanted circumstance in their life as a gift, but I knew the power of a changed mind, a mind renewed. So I started rewriting all of those "I can't" statements into What if I can?
It started with this mind shift.....I will love my body at its current weight. I will love myself at my current circumstance. I hired a friend coach to help me clean up the mental mess I had around the weight gain (I'm a life and weight coach, I should have my life together right???) I was amazed how quickly I shifted into this not being a problem but a gift. Every time my brain wanted to offer the sad story of brokenness I shifted into a new story of strength and belief.
I decided that really loving myself meant talking to myself with love and compassion. I started catching myself feeling "defensive" and I would just notice the feeling and remind myself that I do not need to defend myself because God is my defender. I noticed some days of low level depression slipping in and I would say to myself, this is o.k because there is nothing wrong with this feeling and I will give myself more love and grace and a lot more patience on the down days. I continued to catch myself in the middle of a feeling and with curiosity get in touch with my thoughts. And I changed them. Anything negative was observed as a gift of insight into my belief system. An opportunity to show myself that how I speak to myself really does make a difference.
I had stalls along the way, moments when the old thoughts would try to creep back in. But now with my new awareness I never allowed those thoughts to be more than what they were, just thoughts, not truths, just thoughts.
The month of October I desired to see the last bits of those 40 pounds removed. Week after week I'd prepare my eating and exercise plans. I journaled and got coached twice a week. The scale did not move and I used it as an opportunity to continue to give myself the gift of trusting myself and my body. The judge was there, waiting to tell me how I was broken and that intuitive eating would never really help me to lose weight, but I know a little secret now, I get to decide what works for me and deciding to keep going and continue to build trust in myself, belief in myself, was my greatest tool.
After weeks of having a stall, self doubt was roaring like a lion. I remained vigilant in my desire to create a mindset that was loving and gentle. I also discovered that I was having some hormone issues and irregular periods. I contacted my doctor, went in to see my counselor for an EMDR session and really took care of myself.
I finally broke through. The scale moved again. (40 pounds removed) And the greatest gift was how I had been showing up for myself. How I reached out to others for help and support. How I worked and worked on creating a mindset that gives me the most loving and compassionate way to deal with doubt, insecurity, anxiety, fear. I am not perfect. I no longer seek perfection in anything I do, rather I seek my own wisdom, kindness and truth.
I'm on a journey of self discovery. I am on a journey of trusting God more and more every day. I am on a journey of speaking words of kindness and love to myself and others. To be available when others are struggling, to be transparent about my own struggles.
A stall is a wonderful opportunity to pause and learn to be present with yourself.
I'd love to help you with your stalls, with your discoveries, with your life and weight goals. Anything is possible.
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