I was invited to co-host a party. The date was set, the theme was created. I met with the organizer of the event and had my task list. I knew what my responsibilities were for the event. Invitations were sent. I started purchasing items for the decorations and planned the menu, I was in charge of desserts. I bought the dress. And then I preceded to have an emotional melt down that lasted for days. I pouted and complained and allowed my anxiety to shoot out of my mouth with fiery exclamations! I'm not good enough, I haven't lost the weight I wanted to lose, my dress won't fit, my cakes didn't turn out as I had hoped. I offended the event organizer. I pissed off my husband. I had a complete melt down.
Why? Why do I seem to allow self doubt to come barreling in to my every thought and hold me captive? Because I have a brain. One that offers all the reasons why I should self-reject.
It's like I'm in 6th grade and my classmates are picking teams for dodge ball and I'm the last one to be picked. I have anxiety of not really being wanted. I have fear of being hit in the face with the ball. I spend the entire game on the sidelines and not really present.
So I take every opportunity to take myself out before the game even begins. But I don't quit. I still show up. But the monster I have created is the one who attends the party. The game is played by my 6th grad self who did not feel comfortable in her own skin.
I tried out for all state choir when I was in high school. My music teacher told me, they need you. So that became my mantra while I rehearsed. On audition day I nailed my piece. I told myself, "they need me". My knees were shaking underneath my long skirt. They could not see my nervous knees knocking together, but I could feel them. Even when I made the cut and got into the choir I walked around believing that I just didn't quite fit in.
Why do I allow thoughts of unworthiness and lack of ability run the show? I got the invitation but why do I still believe that I was only invited because they had to pick me, if given a choice they would have done the party without me, they would have left me on the sidelines and said, sorry-team is full, try another day?
Because I have a brain......I tend to allow it to tell me all kinds of crazy things. Some people don't believe me when I tell them that I suffer with self-doubt. My anxiety creates a storm of unkind words and sometimes my deeds are equally unkind. I don't like this about myself, but if my brain is the problem then it seems like there is little hope of ever feeling truly connected. Of ever really believing that I belong here.
But I have an invitation. It's printed and the envelope is embossed with the hosts initials. It's an invitation to let go of what my brain is offering and allow myself a moment of belonging. God has given each one of us an invitation to dine at the table. He desires our presence, not just our body showing up and going through the motions, but a deep intimate connection is sought after when He has requested us to join Him.
My brain is normal. It offers the worst case scenarios in order to protect me. But protection is an illusion, a cheap imitation for what I truly desire. I desire to be invited. I desire to belong. God invites me in. He has prepared an elegant party where He invites us to sit at His table and to dine with Him. All we need to do is show up, completely. When our brain offers us self-doubt even though we've been invited it is our responsibility to notice those sneaky thoughts so that we can replace them with some truth. We are invited. That means that we are wanted. We are worthy. We are acceptable. We are fine to show up in what ever clothing we feel the most comfortable in. We get to show up in the body we are currently living in. We don't need to clean up, or polish, or wait until we reach a certain size or weight or once our completion has cleared up. NO, we are invited today. Right now. Just as we are.
Don't let your brain carry you away from the party. Stay present. Notice those thoughts that are trying to rob you of what is most important. Be amazed by how it feels to sit, and listen, and feel loved and accepted because you are invited just as you are. So come and dine with the King.
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