Updated: Aug 6, 2021
I have these children living inside of of me. The little girls from childhood that were wounded, abandoned and screaming for attention. Why do I have two? Because one little girl was always trying to find acceptance and love from her father. She sat quietly in her room waiting for an opportunity to show daddy that she was valuable and worthy of love. She was quiet and shy and lived in so much fear and loneliness. Her name is Rose and she lives in a white room. Its bare of toys and books because she's waiting out her restriction, (Grounded to her room for weeks at a time) the discipline of her Marine Corp father who wanted to teach her a lesson that little girls should be seen but not heard, should speak only when they are spoken to. She's learning that when she interrupts daddy she must sit quietly alone until she is summoned.
The other little girl is Rebel. She lives outside like a wild thing. She's loud and rude, dark and brooding. She has a wicked sharp tongue and she's not afraid of the monsters in the dark. She challenges authority and she tells daddy that what he is doing is abusive and that she will not stand for it. She tells other adults about what is going on in her home and they come to visit daddy, but nothing ever changes. Daddy tells them that it's because she is so wild and her room is always such a mess. And they accept what daddy says and they leave.
The girls are separated from each other with no real way of helping each other escape. At times Rose is resentful of Rebel for causing such a stir. If she'd only keep quiet I wouldn't have to stay so long alone inside my room. This isolation is more painful when Rebel starts to yell. And Rebel is kicking and screaming and wondering why Rose doesn't try to find a way out. Why doesn't she speak out and hit and kick the walls until someone lets her out. These girls have been left alone for a really long time. It's a shame that any little girl would have to go through these things but unfortunately there are so many little girls and little boys out in the world that are locked away in their room just waiting to be saved.
I share this story with you not because I want you to feel sorry for me and what I went through in my childhood. I share this story with you to give you hope. I as working with my counselor doing EMDR to help me overcome the CPTS that I was having because of this past abuse and neglect that I experienced from my childhood. I discovered Rebel and Rose when I was working on healing from a past experience of feeling trapped and no one came to rescue me. I saw a vision as I worked on learning how to walk out of those locked rooms. I thanked Rebel for screaming loudly enough that I was able to start to hear her. I let her be loud and angry and I sat with her while she raged on and on. I thanked her for being my voice that demanded to be heard. I found Rose in that white locked room and I held her as she cried. I became the parent I deserved and I listened to her as she begged for love and acceptance. I became the love that she needed and when she was ready I walked hand in hand with her out of that room, down the hallway and out the door of the house. I promised both girls that they would never be abandoned again.
There have been times when my old fearfulness crowds out my inner voice and I rely on Rebel and Rose to gently remind me that I am no longer locked away in a room. I give myself compassion and forgiveness and I work on the process of believing that the life that I am living now is one where there are no longer rooms that can hold me.
For more information on EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) go to www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr or talk to a counselor who specialize in this treatment