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A Firm Foundation

Some lessons seem to take me years to finally learn. I recently noticed that I have an old belief system when it comes to how I do a budget. For the past 34 years, (time spent with the amazing John Dammann), I had a way of doing our monthly budget that always seemed to bring out the very frightened young girl who grew up in that broken down trailer in Nebraska. No matter how God has provided over the years, no matter how many times we've received raises in our paychecks or bonuses from work, I budgeted like the sky was falling. Create a plan, put it on paper (I still can't seem to make a excell spreadsheet that functions properly), I show the amazing John Dammann said plan, and then live on edge because I never seemed to be able to follow the plan without fear.

My counselor calls it Money Trauma, I'm not sure if this is a real technical term, but anytime I spend money or go to pay the bills I seize up in fear. What if there's not enough? I believed that I was "a bad steward" of the things God has provided for us.

So how does this all relate to Life Coaching and Weight loss? Well, it starts when I ask myself, "how am I stewarding the life that I have been given? Have I wasted the days in worry and fear? Am I trusting in the Lord and His provision? This really isn't about finances as much as it is about what Jesus spoke to me when I walked into last weeks worship service. (More on that in a moment).

I was telling God that I am just not one of his great servants, not a good steward. I was telling myself that I was repeating a pattern from my childhood. The story I keep bringing up every time I do some emotional work around Money Trauma is that I'm still in that broken down trailer. The bills are piled up in a corner, unopened, and there is so much fear around my heart that I will go without heat in the winter or running water. That there won't be any food in the cupboards because the mismanaged life of the dysfunction of my parents addictions. But that is not my current state. John and I create a budget monthly, pay off debt early, save for amazing vacations, set money aside for retirement. So Why do I get so stressed every time I sit down to make a plan for our finances? Why do I get anxious when I have created a meal plan that will honor God, hunger and weightloss and then freak out if John asks me to go out to eat on date night?

It's weird in a way, that I still revert back to this old story. The trailer is clean, nothing is out of place but that pile of bills in the corner of the kitchen. Yes there were times when the cupboards had little food in them, that we had to use the electric oven for heat when the the propane tank went out and that we had to heat water on the stove and fill the bathtub to take a bath. That there was a giant hole in the floor and the mice would get in.

You see, I keep going back to the past to find the evidence why life is unsafe and somehow I will screw things up. Sometimes I fail at things, like following a budget or staying on a healthy eating plan, or having a hard conversation with one of my sons. I continue to build my life on untruths and sinking sand. No wonder I always feel off balance instead of on the solid ground.

I don't live that trailer park life any longer, yet I still act like it in my mind.

I had decided that I didn't need to take another Dave Ramsey course, or try that new fad diet, or brush up on my old Dr. Spock book for parenting tips. I needed to trust Jesus.